East Coast Gazette

I sort of really want to write a Regency NCIS AU, where young Anthony is trapped caring for his younger siblings (only Timothy and Ziva–aka, Zinnia–now that Caitlin died of fever the year before), and must marry a wealthy woman in order to get Timothy (the rightful heir to their duchy since naturally, Tony is illegitimate) to Eton and Zinna a debut and he works for horrible, crotchety old widower Gibbs, who loathes all but his darling niece Abby and his dearest friend, oddball doctor friend.  Anthony is fabulous at seducing women but nobody wants to keep him, and although he’s made his way through half of the ladies of the ton, or rather, they have made their way through him, nobody wants to make an honest man of him–except possibly Gibbs, who is a Marquis of some wealth and Oh my God this story gets worse the more I try to justify it.  Of course, it could be worse.  I could be writing the SGA version of this where John is being blackmailed into marrying Kolya and Rodney had to stop his wedding, because despite having fallen madly in love with Lady Samantha Carter at house party, he realizes in the end it is John, her enchanting brother and not her to whom he has given his heart ARRRRRGH SOMEBODY STOP ME.  GOD DAMN THESE STUPID JULIA QUINN NOVELS.

By which I mean: damn.  Hits of the week below.

• “naruto and john sheppard are gay for eac” — I have to assume this is “naruto and john sheppard are gay for each other,” and you know what, fandom?  I bet you they are.  They’re just gay for everybody.
• “SGA bad porn” — You have some to the right place, my friend.
• “48 inches of ass” — Damn, dude.
• “Kdrama Somebody something” — Yeah, I loved that one!
•  “”beating me” john rodney “sheppard” “mck” — Um.  Sexy beating?
•  “gaara saw a unicorn” and “gaara saw his very first unicorn ever” — Dear whoever was searching for this: I hope that you find it, and that you find happiness, and that when you do come back from your paradise of Lisa Frank and butterflies and Gaara riding unicorns, you send me the link.  Love, Pru.
• “how to fuck a work colleague” — See: SGA fandom et al.

• Rodney McKay has a tramp stamp of a purple star; he got it his second year of grad school.

• Which is also when everybody started to think he was gay, and since Rodney’s not one to give up opportunities to capitalize for sex (of any kind), that’s kind of when he became gay, too.

• John, once upon a time, had pierced ears and a pierced eyebrow and was about to get a tongue stud, too, but then that whole ‘Air Force’ business got in the way and he went very straight laced.  His then-boyfriend never forgave the U.S. government for denying him that.

• Rodney hates John’s ex-wife.  He tells himself it’s because she’s an art history major.

• John loves his ex-wife.  He tells himself it’s because he never really fell out of love with her or whatever, but mostly it’s because she’s an art history major, and Rodney’s adoooorable when he gets infuriated and jealous.

First: Cybel — who is on a somewhat holy mission to audiobook all of my stumbling mp3 podfics — is asking me what I want to use as covers for stories like “He’s Having Her Baby!” and “He’s Having His Baby!” and “It Doesn’t Mean You Can Explain the Ocean” and all I can currently tell her us: “Uh.” So! Does anybody feel like putting together covers? You’d be getting credit, obvs, and also get to tell people you helped pull my nuts (metaphorical — or ARE THEY?) out of the fire!  Got them!  You guys are total rockstars!

Secondly: Guys, seriously: Chad/Ryan. Click on through for more meditations on the subject — if you dare! (more…)

Yeah, I don’t know either, but whoever found this website this way: I love you.

If Elizabeth Weir opened a restaurant called “Atlantis,” it would, firstly, in the financial district, where half the clientel is going to end up being boorish, drunken i-bankers (cough–tantamount to the Wraith–cough). John would be the executive chef, Lorne the sous chef who makes sure things actually get cooked. Zelenka would (obviously) be the saucier and Teyla is the restaurant manager, with Ronon working the shifty middle job that nobody asks too much about because sometimes it involves bartending (which is usually Ford’s job, except that kid disappears like woah and has something of a substance abuse problem) and sometimes it involves getting John illegal abalone because it’s so beautiful and he MUST HAVE IT. And in case you are all wondering where Rodney is during all of this — Rodney is where his soul demands him to be: Rodney is a motherfucking pastry chef.

(PS, Jack O’Neill is totally the drunken guy who sells John illegal, out-of-season caviar.)

• David Hewlitt’s contemplation of John Sheppard’s history as an exotic dancer at the San Diego ComicCon–yes, this is where the other infamous photo of PSYCHO BOYFRIEND MCKAY is coming from.  (Toward the end of the video, but they’re terribly charming pretty much throughout.)

• Apparently there is at least one other person in the known universe who loves Daa Daa Daa!, which is why it’s been uploaded up to episode 59 with English subtitles over at CrunchyRoll–alien baby comes to Earth, and an adorable boy and girl become its foster parents.  It’s so cute my face falls off, and also, I feel as if I possibly wrote the only fanfiction in existence for it.

• Bad Couple now viewable–to episode 13–at MySoju.com, and Coffee Prince 8 is now up as well (PS, you guys watching Coffee Prince?  You’re going to get your minds BLOWN in the next two episodes).

Now for those of you who have read Bell Curve, this URL will be endlessly funny to you, as it is to me.

ETA: I love how approximately 4x more people comment to tell people URLs are broken than for anything else.  Ya’ll are, collectively, rockstars.   In other news, DO NOT ACTUALLY VISIT THIS SITE, it’s…kind of weird and there’s a lot of “young girl action!” on it which freaks me out whole bunches.  (Of course, I already visited the site — FOR TOTALLY RESEARCH RELATED REASONS.)  (REALLY.)  (SERIOUSLY, GUYS.)

I was pretty confident in my assessment here, until I made the grave error of coasting around ff.net and found this JEWEL:

This was their first time to go grocery shopping as a couple and Sasuke led Naruto to the better part of the market where he buys his groceries. Unfortunately, that place was where some people who still hated Naruto, had their business but that didn’t deter the blonde who wanted to get what his husband wanted.

“I’ll get the vegetables and you get the fish by that stall,” Sasuke said pointing to the farthest stall of the street. Naruto immediately headed there and examined different kind of fish.

“Mister, can I have two kilos of mackerel and a kilo of salmon, please?”

Grumbling about ‘demon’ and all, the man quickly packed not so fresh mackerel, causing Naruto to say, “Can I have the freshest? Like this one here?”

“I can’t give you that!” was the angry reply, eyes full of hatred that made Naruto cringed.

“But-“

“Beggars can’t be choosers, demon.””

“Do you have a problem with my wife?” Sasuke asked coldly as he joined his blonde. He was giving the man the infamous Uchiha glare, causing the man to almost tremble. “Deny what he wanted and you also deny me. That’s how things will work from now on.”

When the two walk away from the fisherman, not only did Naruto had what he wanted, but also the fisherman gave them, as a late wedding gift, one big tuna fish which was then delivered to the Uchiha state.

“You don’t have to terrorize the man with your sharingan, Sasuke” Naruto said although he was totally touched by what Sasuke said to the man. He was sure that two hours from now, those words would be spread all over the market then all over the village.

“Hey, if they make an enemy of you then they are my enemy too,” was Sasuke’s reply, sparing a fond glance to his mate.

“Oh really. Since when?” the blonde joked, blue eyes dancing in mirth.

“When we are married,” was the serious reply that made Naruto’s heart soar.

Obviously, Sasuke was taking this marriage too seriously but Naruto wasn’t complaining because he felt loved and pampered and he took Sasuke’s hand in his all the while wondering if it was possible for him to be this happy?

Boldface theirs, astonishingly.  I mean, this — do you ever read something and then just stop and go, “Why, why God?  Why did I just subject my eyes to this brain poison?” and then wish you, too, could just shut yourself off and go to the happy place?  Obviously, the happy place in question would have to be Self Reliance, where Sasuke always knew he had to continue the family line, he just you know, didn’t trust a woman to do it.  (TOTAL HONESTY: Self Reliance was a story that ranks maybe 12th or 13th on my list of worst evers, and reading it always puts me in paroxyms of joy slash pain, because there’s “bad” and then there’s “Naruto talking to the Nine Tailed Fox sealed inside of him about (a) his desire to “mount” Sasuke and (b) his “kits.”  No, that is not a typo.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)

It appears that The Stranger has done what slash has for many years: discovered the tantalizing joy of male pregnancy. Also, do NOT miss the cover art for this week: amazing.