Title: White Wedding
Rating: PG-13
Summary: (Naruto) Sandaime never had to put up with any of this crap.
Posted as part of the 14 Valentines project, to read today’s essay on hunger, go here.
As predicted, I felt better Wednesday morning, and then I felt even better after I watched the latest episode of Eureka (wherein my suspicion that Fargo kind of has a man-crush on Jack grows and watching Stark watch chicks fight over Carter made me make squeaky, choking noises) and then of course today, Fleshbot gave me this beautiful, beautiful thing: Kal-El, at Rentboy.com. Somewhere out there, Lex Luthor just had an orgasm and he doesn’t even know why.
And, because I feel bad because it’s been, roughly, a geologic era since I wrote anything, snapshots from WIPs upcoming, in the following order:
• Lustrous, because you guys dig the vagina John.
• Shift, because I love SG-9
• White Wedding, because Naruto + Gaara = OTP. Fuck Sasu-GAY anyway. (more…)
“Wedding pitchers?” Really? Â Really really?
So today, one of my Shameful Places To Acquire Gayish Anime Pics had a SPASM of man-marriages. FOLKS I AM HERE TO SHARE THAT JOY. You know you’ve missed it — it’s the art of the ARTDUUUUUUMP!
I was pretty confident in my assessment here, until I made the grave error of coasting around ff.net and found this JEWEL:
This was their first time to go grocery shopping as a couple and Sasuke led Naruto to the better part of the market where he buys his groceries. Unfortunately, that place was where some people who still hated Naruto, had their business but that didn’t deter the blonde who wanted to get what his husband wanted.
“I’ll get the vegetables and you get the fish by that stall,†Sasuke said pointing to the farthest stall of the street. Naruto immediately headed there and examined different kind of fish.
“Mister, can I have two kilos of mackerel and a kilo of salmon, please?â€
Grumbling about ‘demon’ and all, the man quickly packed not so fresh mackerel, causing Naruto to say, “Can I have the freshest? Like this one here?â€
“I can’t give you that!†was the angry reply, eyes full of hatred that made Naruto cringed.
“But-“
“Beggars can’t be choosers, demon.â€â€
“Do you have a problem with my wife?†Sasuke asked coldly as he joined his blonde. He was giving the man the infamous Uchiha glare, causing the man to almost tremble. “Deny what he wanted and you also deny me. That’s how things will work from now on.â€
When the two walk away from the fisherman, not only did Naruto had what he wanted, but also the fisherman gave them, as a late wedding gift, one big tuna fish which was then delivered to the Uchiha state.
“You don’t have to terrorize the man with your sharingan, Sasuke†Naruto said although he was totally touched by what Sasuke said to the man. He was sure that two hours from now, those words would be spread all over the market then all over the village.
“Hey, if they make an enemy of you then they are my enemy too,†was Sasuke’s reply, sparing a fond glance to his mate.
“Oh really. Since when?†the blonde joked, blue eyes dancing in mirth.
“When we are married,†was the serious reply that made Naruto’s heart soar.
Obviously, Sasuke was taking this marriage too seriously but Naruto wasn’t complaining because he felt loved and pampered and he took Sasuke’s hand in his all the while wondering if it was possible for him to be this happy?
Boldface theirs, astonishingly. I mean, this — do you ever read something and then just stop and go, “Why, why God? Why did I just subject my eyes to this brain poison?” and then wish you, too, could just shut yourself off and go to the happy place? Obviously, the happy place in question would have to be Self Reliance, where Sasuke always knew he had to continue the family line, he just you know, didn’t trust a woman to do it. (TOTAL HONESTY: Self Reliance was a story that ranks maybe 12th or 13th on my list of worst evers, and reading it always puts me in paroxyms of joy slash pain, because there’s “bad” and then there’s “Naruto talking to the Nine Tailed Fox sealed inside of him about (a) his desire to “mount” Sasuke and (b) his “kits.” No, that is not a typo. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)
• What would Rodney do in your situation (cat shit maturity level amorous roommate) and how would John remedy the situation?:
“..The point is, my roommate won’t leave me alone,” Rodney finished, just as John clicked ctrl+p and heard his printer purr to a start. “Are you even listening to me?” Rodney demanded.
“Yes,” John lied, and spun around in his desk chair. “The way I see it, you have three options to shake your amorous roommate.”
Rodney looked intense. “Okay,” he said.
“You could tell them you’re already seeing someone,” John said, and added, “Okay, so that’s kind of out of the window,” when Rodney snorted loudly. “Number two, you could tell them you just got out of a really bad relationship — ” brightening, Rodney opened his mouth before John cut him off ” — and no, I will not call you pretending to be your ex.”
“Jackass,” Rodney said, scowling.
“Or, three,” John finished, “you could tell him you’re straight.”
Rodney threw a calculator at him. “I am straight!”
This time, it was John’s turn to snort.
• Naruto visits Suna to see how Gaara is dealing with losing his beast and discovers that with his tragic past, his gothboy looks, his emo attitude and his stampede of fangirls, Gaara is Suna’s version of pretty-boy Sasuke! The tragedy, the horror!
Naruto suspected there was something foul afoot in Suna. Gaara, who’d never been really keen on going out anyway, seemed less inclined to step foot outside the Kazekage offices than ever, despite the fact that the only things to eat in the entire building were the near-rancid instant curry-rice packages in the basement vending machines. On day two, after Naruto had eaten all of them and stolen all of the candy from all of the scribes, he put his foot down and asked what the hell was going on: even if Gaara didn’t want to go out, it didn’t mean no one could come in — and so far, he’d refused even RAMEN delivery.
“I may have told my people some things,” Gaara said finally, sounding close enough to shifty Naruto might not even call it monotone.
“Like what?” Naruto hollered over his grumbling stomach.
“There were some problems,” Gaara answered, almost squirming. “I told them something to solve the problem.”
Naruto narrowed his eyes. “What was the problem.”
“There were women following me,” Gaara admitted. “It was bothersome.”
Later, when Naruto returned to Konoha, he’d spend nearly a month trying to get Kakashi for being a bastard before he caved and just told Iruka-sensei, who proceeded to kick Kakashi out of their not-shared-at-all-nope-we’re-single house and set pages of his favorite Icha Icha book on fire.
“That’s what you get, you pervert!” Iruka shouted out the window, still furious and cold to Kakashi’s very real weeping. “I cannot BELIEVE you told Gaara to say he had herpes to scare away GIRLS.”
More forthcoming!
I have the unfortunate pleasure of working the 6:30 p.m. to 12:30 a.m. tonight (YEEEEAH NEWSMEDIA!) so my roommates and I had our 4th of July cookout yesterday, complete with buffalo burgers (delicious but needs more fat to stay juicier) potato, onion, and bell pepper hash and lemon drops and a metric ton of Rainier beer — which is just as disgusting as it sounds.
Of course, what makes today even more special — aside from the preemptive post-drinking lag — is that Bravo is running an all-day Project Runway season three marathon, with my favorite shenanigans ever: there’s nothing quite so beautiful as Laura and Michael’s friendship, Keith’s bitchiness, Kayne and Robert’s bff disco ball pageant dress slash Barbie doll Miss America dress. It’s all wonderfulness times a bajillion. You know what else is wonderfulness times a bajillion? The fact that Bravo has put up (rejected) audition tapes from season four on their BrilliantButCanceled.com site — you know you’re all about it, don’t lie. (Try and see if you can guess which of these geniuses is my favorite.)
But you know what’s even more important than that? (I know, it’s hard to imagine!)
I HAVEN’T DONE A HORRIBLE ARTDUMP ON YA’LL IN A WHILE.
Pikachu — appropriately — bitchslaps me for my oversight. (more…)
I spent a lot of this today listening to Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond and thinking about Flicker and how I think that some point I have to work the song into the narrative, hopefully in the most crushing and painful and sweet way possible. Of course, certain parties would argue listening to the song at all is crushing and painful. But since, like my vagina, I wear red chucks and a Mets cap, their pain means little to me. (If you don’t get the reference, for Christ’s sake, go fill a flask and go to a production of the Vagina Monologues already!)
But while I was doing that, I was also heavily image-trolling — ready for your intermittent dose of dumb?
This time is super special because it has a dance-off theme, and if you have never seen the atrocity that is Pants Off Dance Off on Fuse.tv which — my hand to God, I could not make this shit up — was hosted by Stephanie Tanner yes that Stephanie Tanner, this cannot possibly be as funny to you as it is to me, Serial Karma, Lyra Sena, and Veredus.
(In our defense re: the Pants Off Dance Off shenaniganing, it was like, 4 a.m. and our options were either to go back to watching what we all agreed was a boring gay porn docudrama or watch in baffled horror as Jodie freakin’ Sweetin’ introduced ugly crazy people dancing to bad music as they stripped — on cable.)
For previous parts, click on the [naruto] White Wedding link on the right hand sidebar under “box full of snapshots.”
White Wedding pt 2/?
So today I made the trek from the C.H. to Charlotte and then back again. That’s about 2 and a half hours on the road each way with a two hour cushion in the middle where I ate chicken tenders and tried to learn about Cimabue and the International Gothic style in a cafe waiting before my meeting. Some people — COUGH ASHE COUGH — really enjoy driving, and God bless ‘em, they can drive for me in the future, because somewhere between High Point and Burlington while I was trapped on the endless hell of I-85, I was literally boxed in by semis and I wanted nothing more than Dean Winchester to poof into existence and be my chauffeur while Sam made his bitchface ™ in the backseat.
But really, now that it’s 10 p.m., I am equipped with surprisingly excellent Chinese food from that local place from which I have never ordered because apparently you have to know a guy who know a guy who once killed a unicorn to be able to find out THAT they deliver, I am feeling much calmer — much happier. Much more in tune with my inner child who is eating her third otter pop of the day. (It’s the only reason I’m not eating the Klondike bars that are also in the freezer. Or my spiked watermelon. Ooo — I should eat my spiked watermelon.) I forgive myself; I’m learning about Cimabue and the International Gothic style for Christ’s sake.
The point of this entry isn’t actually just to bitch about my trip, but also to point out this really excellent cool “Waffles and Manga” mix made by onelittlesleep, who, once upon a time, seriously, left me the sweetest comment I have ever gotten on a story ever, hands down. I actually had to rub at my eyes a bunch when I saw that one because oh my God, that was exactly kind of how I felt. I mean, other than the tying Conner to a scarecrow pole thing in a cornfield thing — ’cause that was all above board. The point is, I’ve been listening to the mix for a while now and ya’ll should definitely to hook yourselves up, it’s awesome, and it’s very, very appropriately Conner and Geoffrey in Visiting Hours, I think.
I think I might be starting version five of Arc. God damn my life.
Oh, and for your gratuitous hilarity of the day, check under the cut for Ouran Host Club shenanigans, some ungodly hot(t) Gaara, and Hugh Laurie being awesome. And some graphic pictures of phone sex from our favorite Lets Make Porn Stars Fall In Love! mangaka Youka Nitta, and a special bonus with a file name “clampsux.” I have no idea who (a) made these (b) snuck them onto the internet in the first place — but they’re not mine and yet, STILL hilarious: