East Coast Gazette

For any aspiring authors of hot(t) smut out there, just a few words of friendly advice from someone who reads and appreciates those efforts:

(1) Avoid the use of “responsive” as a descriptor for anybody’s anus, especially if you’re going to use it together, ie: “responsive anus,” because nobody’s asshole should be allowed in on the conversation.

(2) Try not to — for the sake of my limited sanity — use the term “deposited” as a way of conveying that somebody has just “dropped a load” in somebody else. Even worse is if you use the term “deposited his hot load,” because, look, as far as I know, nobody has opened up a branch of the Bank of Ass in our corner of the galaxy, okay?  And I hear their CD returns are shitty, so let’s just forget about that entire appalling episode.

(2.a) Corellary: I never, never again want to read about somebody “eating” the “load” he just “deposited” into somebody’s ass. I’m not like, AGAINST it philosophically or anything — just God, you could say it some other way, people.

(3) I didn’t read this myself, but know from reputable sources that this actually exists, so: folks, if you ever are considering (a) giving a man six breasts and six corresponding nipples (b) writing something in which you will have to warn for “dehumanization” — then by all means, see yourself right off the side of a cliff.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to try and bleach the inside of my eyelids.