East Coast Gazette

These were WAY too good for me to pass up:

• Okay: Clark, Lex, the Conner universe has to deal with another universe’s Clark/Lex daughter who has daddy and power issues.

“Well,” Conner said, slumping down into the cafe seat, demoralized, “Geoffrey said, and I quote, ‘oh, fuck no‘ to the threesome.”

“I knew it,” Lena muttered, “what a pussy.”

Sighing, Conner leaned back, hitching an arm over the back of his seat and looking across the table, studying Lena’s fine features: the sweet bow of her mouth and her dark auburn hair, gleaming in a dash of bangs, dark lashes that fringed her green eyes.

Wincing, Lena said, “I know. It’s weird.”

“Really weird,” Conner agreed.

“It’s kind of like I used to wonder what I’d look like if I were a guy,” she said, cupping her hands around her iced coffee. “And…now,” she said slowly, “I guess I know.” Narrowing her eyes at him, she asked, “What size pants do you wear?”

Conner knew enough about women to know that the answer to that question was, “Bigger pants than you do.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said, staring at him intensely.

When Bart and Tim from the Justice League had delivered a seriously-put-out girl with dark red hair and Luthor authority in her voice, Lex had gone straight to the phone and started a shouting match with Bruce Wayne which, presumably, was still happening. Clark had gone into the other room to have a lie down, but not before scheduling some sort of weird, inter-dimensional family meeting for later that evening. Conner had taken stock of the situation and his weird sort-of-sister and said, “Okay, so we’re going to go down to the coffee shop until you guys straighten this out,” and Lena had said, “Yeah, bounce bitches,” and Clark had yelled after her to watch her language, young lady.

“So,” Conner said, trying to change the subject, “what are your version of mom and dad like? Same? Different?”

Shrugging, Lena took a sip of her coffee before saying, “Oh, you know, mostly the same — Clark and Dad are still freaks of nature. Bart still hits on me — ”

Conner choked on his latte.

” — Geoffrey’s still afraid to touch me in public because he thinks Dad’s going to have him killed, etcetera etcetera.”t

“So,” Conner said, voice dry as tinder, “basically same old.”

“Yup,” Lena agreed, glaring out the coffee shop window into the afternoon downpour. “Man, they better figure out how to get me out of here before Dad and I have to have the ‘I don’t need a chastity belt’ conversation again.”

• Or all the newspaper/trash articles on Conner and Geoffrey’s relationship.

ISLE OF PALMS, S.C. — LexCorp heir Conner Luthor and his longtime beau Geoffrey Archer were spotted by eagle-eyed paparazzi, enjoying the sun and fun on a secluded Isle of Palms, S.C. beach. Paps caught photos of the duo lounging on the white sands and baking clams — unsuccessfully, it seems, watch out for those flames, Conner! — at night, as well as sharing a steamy kiss in the waves. The notoriously reclusive Luthor scion is famous for his standing policy never to discuss his relationship — but who needs pithy adjectives when a picture is worth a thousand words? Things are steaming up in the Old South. The pair was later spotted window shopping and cozying up in a corner booth at Slightly North of Broad — love is still in the air for this longtime couple! When approached by a TMZ.com reporter about what keeps their relationship so fresh, Conner said, “Liquor. Tons and tons of liquor.”