[SCENE: Finn MacCool's on "the Ave," as whorebaggish bleached blond UDub tweenies refer to it [eta: I have been alerted that most EVERYBODY calls it "the Ave," and now I am forced to assume that everybody who I heard referring to it as University Avenue in the bar was only doing so because they were, like me, grossly intoxicated.Â D:Â Note my distress.], and what everybody else calls “University Avenue” on Monday night Pub Trivia — packed house, hideous intoxication, trivia master forced to do jaegerbombs every time he messes up reading: it’s good stuff, folks. My cube-farm mate, work colleague one, work colleague two, some guy, and that dude, are part of a team that is kicking some serious ass. We are kicking it left and right. Visualize this.]
TRIVIA MASTER (after his second jaegerbomb): Okay! Last question!
EVERYBODY (all trashed): YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!
TRIVIA MASTER: Name the album this song is on!
[HORRIBLE MUSIC starts to play, recognizable to me -- who spent most of my 14th year on this Earth lying on my bedroom floor listening to this album and staring at the ceiling and really feeling it -- instantly as Celine Dion's "All Because of You."]
WORK COLLEAGUE ONE: What the fuck?
WORK COLLEAGUE TWO: I have no idea.
CUBE-FARM MATE: FUCK.
SOME GUY: This is Celine Dion.
THAT DUDE: This is totally Celine Dion.
ME: I CAN FUCKING PICTURE THE CD COVER.
THAT DUDE: ME TOO.
THAT DUDE: Put down Because You Loved Me.
ME: I don’t know.
THAT DUDE: Put it down! I’m telling you: do it!
[SILENCE FALLS at the table as work people and some guy all go still in awareness.]
THAT DUDE: Uh.
ME: Do I look like the type of woman who takes orders from guys?
THAT DUDE: …
THAT DUDE (feebly): No.
This is why I’m going to DIE ALONE: because I SCARE RANDOM DUDES AT BARS.