East Coast Gazette

(3) The story in which John Sheppard is kidnapped and made a harem slave/sex slave/man slave/cock slave/some kind of sexually exploitive slave that eroticized forced sexual intercourse. YES THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE TO FUCKING CHOOSE FROM.

That?  Is what I like to call a blanket condemnation.  I’ve read a lot of them — especially when recommended — and they all lead to the same thing: me feeling disgusting and drinking heavily and one memorable time, crying with my head in the toilet waiting to throw up.

(10) The story in which — and I could not make this up if my life depended on it — Tony is a cop falsely accused of corruption in a world still ruled by Roman concepts, and is rescued into manslavery by Gibbs. Who then takes him to Italy and keeps him naked (a lot). In between, there’s a cameo with Nick and Grissom, who appear for no other reason other than to give Grissom an opportunity to spank Nick half to death out of master-ly love.

(9) The story in which Draco Malfoy discovers that one can put drumsticks up their bottom, and Lucius discovers it is possible to be jealous of an inanimate object — at least until your son starts inquiring about putting his daddy’s thing up there with the drum sticks.

(8) The story in which Lex Luthor actually gets picked up as Overlord Kal-El’s sexual plaything. Only it was really bad. I’d say the magical “w” word but then it’d give it away like that.

(7) The story in which (God, it causes me physical pain to think about this one) Rodney McKay’s first military-background boyfriend was gay-bashed to death and so he was thereby vilified by said boyfriend’s family for causing his demise, his second big gay boyfriend used to emotionally and physically abuse him to the point that — and this is where it gets really amazing — Rodney is afraid to be yelled at. Which is just terrible for him and John since John’s father murdered his mother in front of John’s very eyes so he’s very prone to rage blackouts and yells at Rodney in their joint therapy sessions.

(6) The story in which Booth is injured in a horrible accident and Brennan has to take temporary custody of Parker, Booth’s son — and everybody calls Brennan “Tempey” and she and Parker BOND IMMEDIATELY LIKE MOM’S AND LITTLE BOYS WHO ARE MEANT TO BE YOUR BABY ARE WONT TO DO. And then she and Booth get married.

(5) The story in which Tony has a literal nervous breakdown after Ziva invites the entire NCIS gang over to her house for dinner and does not include him — and that continues onward with all characters realizing in mute horror that Tony is so depressed and totally cutting himself and that Ziva didn’t even try to invite him, so they start tormenting her as much as possible to get her back for breaking Tony’s heart. Even Gibbs vows to get her back for this unspeakable wrong against his boy man sorry wrong story having PTSD flashbacks to the Roman Empire one.

(4) The story in which Clark has shitbabies. All you bitches in SV fandom know which one I’m talking about. Don’t look at me like that. You read it, too.

(3) The story in which John Sheppard is kidnapped and made a harem slave/sex slave/man slave/cock slave/some kind of sexually exploitive slave that eroticized forced sexual intercourse. YES THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE TO FUCKING CHOOSE FROM.

(2) The story in which Caldwell spends a lot of time having questionable-consent sex with Sheppard and unironically forces Sheppard to call him “Daddy.” And then General Hammond joins in or something. I try not to think about it too much — it was that blue page with the yellow text, and once I realized what I was highlighting to read, I nearly slapped myself stupid. (This is the same genius that brought us Kavanagh Has Violent Rape-Murder Fantasies About John! story.)

(1) The story in which — uuuuuuuuuuuugh — John has a seriously exploitive semi-sexual relationship with not at all mildly autistic Rodney McKay.

This is only going to be funny to those of you who suffered the agony of driving around the slick hills of downtown Seattle in 2005, in the rain. Looking for an enormous Italian restaurant, where we eventually realized there were like, six parties having their birthday simultaneously — that’s right Slumberparty: Vancouver survivors (some of whom just came back from Slumberparty: Cruise), I found Bucca de Beppo again. WHILE LOST OFF OF MY ASS TRYING TO GET ON GOD DAMN I-5. YEAH, YOU HEAR ME SEATTLE? I’VE FIGURED YOU OUT. YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL ME WITH A CAR. BUT YOU WON’T WIN, DAMN YOU.

Okay, no, but for rill. Fo’ rill: the real point of this post is to talk about the beautiful saffron-scented crack that gets injected straight into my veins: Bravo’s Top Chef.

It’s important to understand that because I am a whore, I will watch almost anything with Ted Allen in it — you may remember him from such groundbreaking visual art as Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Iron Chef: Battle of the Masters, and also, Decoding the Past: The Real Sorcerer’s Stone.

…And now that we’ve lost the entire contingent of tin hats waiting with baited breath for the Harry Potter book to come out that’s just disappeared to go look up that TV special, we can continue.

No, seriously, my crush on Ted Allen is somewhat disturbing.  He looks like the type of guy I would want painfully to date and then as soon as we went out we’d just spend the entire night talking about how Britney Spears needs to get back together with Justin Timberlake and pigeons or something and then by the time we finished up our creme brulees I’d think he was gay (rightfully) and he’d think I was a femme and/or hag (rightfully, well.  Sort of).  But then we’d become best friends until his boyfriend was all like, “Why do you like her better than me?” and I’d be all, “You need to get his face out of his junk because he is straight tripping.“  And then I’d be rightfully slapped for attempting to be ghetto — but you get the point.

The point is: I will watch…appalling things for Ted(dy).  So watching something as awesome as Bravo’s Top Chef is no dif. for me, especially when everybody is being catty over truffle oil and who was the poor motherfucker who got the geoduck (pronounced gooeyduck, yeah, I don’t know either, but I quizzed my roommate and the seafood guy at Pike’s Place for like, an hour) to cook.  I’m sorry folks: suffering is funny.

But it also of course makes me think about a horrible SGA crossover possibility where Rodney, John, Elizabeth, Teyla, and Ronon are all judges on Top Chef and Zelenka is one of the guest chef judges who gets into a slap fight with Rodney.  COME ON YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

My point is: who else loves this shit?

I want to go back to the East Coast so Amorous Roommate will LEAVE ME ALONE.

Am I the only person who thinks hotlinking is rude anymore?  Jesus.  It’s irrational — it’s such a small amount of bandwidth when it’s just an image it’s almost dumb to talk about it — but there’s something about just basic internet politeness that makes me go from zero to FURIOUS in 12 seconds flat whenever I find hotlinking.

Just — just click on the thumbnail.

The only Photoshopping that was done was commentary. You’ll see what I mean when you see it.

[SCENE: Finn MacCool's on "the Ave," as whorebaggish bleached blond UDub tweenies refer to it [eta: I have been alerted that most EVERYBODY calls it "the Ave," and now I am forced to assume that everybody who I heard referring to it as University Avenue in the bar was only doing so because they were, like me, grossly intoxicated.  D:  Note my distress.], and what everybody else calls “University Avenue” on Monday night Pub Trivia — packed house, hideous intoxication, trivia master forced to do jaegerbombs every time he messes up reading: it’s good stuff, folks. My cube-farm mate, work colleague one, work colleague two, some guy, and that dude, are part of a team that is kicking some serious ass. We are kicking it left and right. Visualize this.]

TRIVIA MASTER (after his second jaegerbomb): Okay! Last question!
EVERYBODY (all trashed): YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!
TRIVIA MASTER: Name the album this song is on!

[HORRIBLE MUSIC starts to play, recognizable to me -- who spent most of my 14th year on this Earth lying on my bedroom floor listening to this album and staring at the ceiling and really feeling it -- instantly as Celine Dion's "All Because of You."]

WORK COLLEAGUE ONE: What the fuck?
WORK COLLEAGUE TWO: I have no idea.
CUBE-FARM MATE: FUCK.
SOME GUY: This is Celine Dion.
THAT DUDE: This is totally Celine Dion.
ME: I CAN FUCKING PICTURE THE CD COVER.
THAT DUDE: ME TOO.
ME: ARGH.
THAT DUDE: Put down Because You Loved Me.
ME: I don’t know.
THAT DUDE: Put it down! I’m telling you: do it!

[SILENCE FALLS at the table as work people and some guy all go still in awareness.]

THAT DUDE: Uh.
ME: Do I look like the type of woman who takes orders from guys?
THAT DUDE: …
ME: Well?
THAT DUDE (feebly): No.

This is why I’m going to DIE ALONE: because I SCARE RANDOM DUDES AT BARS.

for those of you who are wondering why the comments on arc pt 2 were blocked before i can honestly say that i didn’t know that the comments on arc pt 2 were blocked and that they are now opened.  seriously, there was no deeper meaning.  also, going from pub trivia (beer) to home (intense screwdriversand nachos) can be killer wow.

But come on, it’s not like I couldn’t find the Ai no Kusabi OAVs online (I KNOW) and not link them fucking everywhere. Ai no Kusabi started out as a freaky-ass yaoi novel and then was translated into an equally freaky-ass and tres 80s yaoi OAV pairing, wherein, folks, I’m not making this up, society is stratified by hair color and people keep other people of lesser hair colors as sex slaves and toys. By which I mean, the Blondies (yes, that’s what they’re actually called) reign supreme. D: <– note my distress face. It makes sweet love to my :D delight face: D:<3 :D

Why, you might ask, is this such a big deal?

Because for years, it was near-impossible to find the OAVs. They weren’t made mass market available in the U.S. — newcomers to the yaoi/bl/shounen-ai genre, you don’t know how good you have it — and nobody translated them into English (as far as I know, and I would know, I looked). It’s scifi sex fantasy/tragedy at its finest, and yes, there are chains and questionable consent, but like I said in my Welcome to YAOI! posts, that’s par for the course in this business.

Oh, and maybe some visuals will help move along your interest:

Initially I considered writing up a story summary and giving you the names of the characters and/or plot but I realized that most anybody who would care about those has already scrolled up and down over these images and gone right back up to watch the OAV live action and I don’t need to waste my time.  HOWEVER — those of you who are still around, should definitely check out this business, which is an awesome amazing music video for Ai no Kusabi set to — wait for it — Leann Rimes, “Can’t Fight the Moonlight.”  I’m just saying, don’t be frightened; I love it so hard my lady parts hurt.

(AMV.org, by the way, is worth signing up for, tons and tons of amazing vids.  Like this one, Ninja of the Night, for Naruto, which, wow, if you haven’t seen, go fix that NOW)

Happy viewing!

And for those who might have missed it, I posted Arc pt 2/? over the weekend.  Go forth, tell me you love me.

One of my current roommates has decided to develop a hideous crush on me and so as a stalling tactic, I’ve been hiding out in my room and drowning myself in old SGA stories — and guys, I’m re-remembering why I love these two. In the show and in the stories we write about them there’s always such a thread of affection, and even when it’s grudging, there’s a wonderful sense of caring there — and stories that lack it I generally hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. Whether or not they’ve been recced to high heaven. And rereading has made me all soppy in the soul over things like Suddenly at Last by Yin and Slow and Steady by Kellifer, two stories I love to an embarrassing degree. And then there’re always other fandom classics, like Oblivious by shalott and Thicker Than Water by Julad, they’re like the reading equivalent of hot soup for me — comforting and thick and wonderful.

It makes me wish for the fourth season to hurry up already!  And it makes me wish somebody would fulfill my wildest dream and write all the things for which I yearn on demand: Jane Sheppard fic, John’s ex-wife fic (fuck! I have to get back to that), psycho ex-boyfriend fic (come on, you know you love this sort of trashy shit, too — especially if, and I know, I know, this is horrible: if John’s ex-boyfriend was this total lunatic and all hell bent on threatening John’s life if he leaves him, but the thing is that John didn’t notice he was nuts and just went about his business as usual because, come on, as if anybody who isn’t Teyla or Ronon or Teyla and Ronon could kick his ass to the floor so easily.  Meanwhile, McKay finds out and insanity ensues.  COME ON YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT.)

So!  My friends, I ask you for recommendations of comfort stories in any of the fandoms in which I read (NCIS, SGA, Supernatural, SV, and a metric asston of animes).

Oh, and for those of you who have been reading Harudaki?  No, there is no fanfiction.  I know.

And that means, if any of you would like to you know, write me some good Harudaki in which Katou and Iwaki adopt a baby, I WOULD TOTALLY ROCK THAT SHIT, TOO.