East Coast Gazette

Yesterday morning was horrible (locked self into bathroom and cried a bit, freaked out and made phone calls threatening to hurl myself off of 8th floors of libraries, etc. etc.) but yesterday night was awesome — because there is really nothing cooler than taking a bite of watermelon and feeling like you were just PUNCHED IN THE FACE with vodka. Awesome. Recommend everybody do it for their 4th of July celebrations.

Anyway, to even it out even more, I killed sometime last night after our Graduation Fruit and Liquor extravaganza by rewatching “House Training” and shrieking, which, believe me guys, was way classy.

I realized, midway through screencapping, that as wonderful as the show is, House is a pretty monochrome pallet — oh, well, except for Hugh Laurie. Dial-up warning, images below:

That’s right, Wilson, refuse to get caught up in House’s VORTEX. And refuse to pass Cuddy a note in study hall, or ask her to prom for you — and — why hasn’t there been a House HS AU yet? It’s literally built into the canon. Wilson would be the honor-roll track star and House would be the honor roll bitter kid and Cuddy could be the student body president who just cannot find somebody to help her lose her virginity because they’re all kind of scared and overly attracted to her — Wilson is her target and House is scenting the waters for danger OKAY FINE JESUS I WILL SHUT UP. GOD YA’LL ARE SO MEAN TO ME.

I call this image, Photo Of House In Repose Going, OMGAW. This is his, “OMGAW YOU ARE NAWT GOING ON A DATE WITH CUDDY!” face. It’s so beautiful. God damn I loved this episode.

And really, it’s the perfect face to go with the line, “Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?” Who else found it completely endearing for House to go trolling around Wilson’s ex-wives like some sort of crazed, jealous…well, ex-wife? I have actually developed this theory more, because later in the episode House actually says, “Wilson’s compulsive about staying on good terms with his exes,” and it officially makes me think that he and Wilson used to date. COME ON. If nothing else, their relationship HAS TO BE emotional alimony. IT KILLS ME YA’LL. Let’s start a letter-writing campaign! Come on! Somewhere out there David Shore is shuddering and he doesn’t even know why!

Wilson + Cuddy + bondage oriented photo exhibit = MON–wait for it–EY.

BONNIE: HE’S AMAZING.
HOUSE: [inside his head] Oh my God. Is Bonnie talking about Wilson in bed? Oh God, I think she is.
BONNIE: HE CONSTANTLY THINKS OF A WOMAN’S NEEDS.
HOUSE: [inside his head, screaming] WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS? I NEED YOU TO STOP.
BONNIE: It has six burners.
HOUSE: …!!!
BONNIE: …The chef’s stove.
HOUSE: Oh. Right.

BONNIE: Blah blah blah WILSON IS AN AMAZING LOVE blah blah blah LOVE JUICES blah blah blah window treatments.
HOUSE: [inside his head] SHIT! Now I’m imagining it! Wilson as an amazing lover! And love juices! And window treatments!
HOUSE: …nnnnnnnngh*

* This is more commonly known among Perveologists (see: Fandom) as “That noise I make when I think about Omar Epps, but I am allowing House to co-opt it today.”

After requesting “I totally killed my patient and junk” comfort sex, House has just dun tuckered Wilson out. Also, as many other people have said, I’d love to see how Wilson ended up in House’s chair, and if there was making out involved. And if they didn’t just snuggle platonic-like and comfort one another as Wilson stroked House’s hair, murmuring kindly, “You need to start using conditioner.”

HOUSE: Blah blah blah blah now I have a dog so Steve McQueen can have a new friend.
WILSON: …!