East Coast Gazette

Somebody asked if Full Metal Alchemist, the source of this fanart in question was a good series — folks? I can very confidently say, “Yes. Yes across the board.”

Normally when I recommend things — even things I love a lot — I will caveat them. I would never inflict the tragedies of Witch Amusement or Dal Ja’s Springtime or (God forbid) Smallville or hell, even Supernatural and House to anybody else. Your mileage may vary, but I’ve yet to find anybody who’s given FMA a real chance that didn’t get just as caught up in the wonderful story and personality and heart of the story like I was.

In fact, I liked it so much that I wrote it into Conflicts of Interest and Visiting Hours as fairly major plot slash character points for the main characters — this is a series boys will like. This is a series I have loved. (Just for the record: I have girl parts.)

Backstory

It’s a story about Edward and Alphons Elric, who grow up in a pre-WWI (very approximate guess, you’ll see why in a bit) version of Germany (uh, I think: maybe Austria). The reason I’m having such a hard time pinpointing anything is because they live in a very different reality — one where, yes, while there is science, there is also alchemy, the science of transmutation and equal trade, and while metal still cannot be transmuted into gold — in the hands of a good alchemist, very little else is limited at all. And the military, instead of simply relying on tanks and machine guns, relies on State Alchemists, a cross between a scientist and a soldier and the deadliest of the weapons of the state — known by all and sundry and loathed by many, called “dogs of the military.”

In all the art of Ed you’ll see he has “automail,” a metal arm and leg, and in much of the art of his brother, you’ll see a suit of armor wearing a sweatdrop — those mushrooms you ate for dinner are fine: this is what they start off the series looking like. As boys, their father left and they grew up alone in the countryside with their mother — who dies when they’re still very young. And Al and Ed, who are both sort of geniuses, make the worst choice and out of the worst desperation of all: they try something called human transmutation — utterly forbidden, completely taboo, and deadly dangerous. They make an alchemy array to try and bring their mother back to life, but there’s nothing that can be of equal value to their mother’s soul, and in the fallout Ed loses his arm and leg, and Al loses his entire body — and it’s only Ed’s sheer cussedness that manages to trap Al’s soul in a suit of armor instead of losing his brother as well.

Ed is 11. Al is 10.

Today

But that’s all ancient history — the actual narrative story of FMA starts later, when Ed is 15, after he’s taken his genius and passed the extremely difficult State Alchemist exam and been shunted into the immediate service of Colonel Roy Mustang, known near and far as the Flame Alchemist, for his enormously flashy and hugely destructive alchemy concentration. Also known for being a young upstart, devious, dangerously ambitious — and uh, stealing his subordinates’ girlfriends. Roy Mustang is the one who came to Ed and Al’s small country town and recruited them for the military, thinking Ed was actually 31, and with spectacularly shitty timing, right after Ed and Al’s accident. He kept the secret of Al’s disappeared body, of Ed’s missing arm and leg. Ed and Roy’s relationship is…difficult at best, but Roy looks out for them like no one else, supports the Elric brothers’ mission: to find the Philosopher’s Stone and to restore Al’s body.

Uh. There are shenanigans along the way.

(Those of you who know this series and just threw something at the computer screen and yelled, “COP OUT!” I implore you: YOU THINK OF A WAY TO SUMMARIZE THIS SHIT. BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD.)

Okay, okay, you’re all thinking: but if you you like it, there have to be some hot pieces of ass in this, right? Right?

You are indeed right. Ladies, ready your drool rags:

Edward Elric, who constantly drives me to shouting, “HE’S 15. OH MY GOD STOP IT. HE IS LIKE 15 TO 16 IN THIS STUPID SERIES. ARRRRGH.” Part of the problem is that there is an ungodly amount of gratuitous nudity in this bitch. Also, how can you resist a guy who can literally transmute his arm and leg into fucking weapons? Look at that enormous God damn armsword.

Colonel Roy Mustang, who I would bang six ways from Sunday and three times on the (Jewish) Sabbath because that’s a double mitzvah! Guys, come ON. He sets shit on fire by snapping his fingers. He blows through the secretarial pool — when he becomes Fuhrer, he’s going to make all the women in the military wear miniskirts! And for those of you who are like, “Well obviously I can’t like him unless he was beaten as a child and cuts himself while crying,” I say, we have that covered, too! He has Deep Emotional Scars from when he was involved in the wars as a State Alchemist on the field — it’s enough to make your Evanescence-listening hearts patter! Also, Jesus, LOOK AT HIM. GOD.

AND ON THE LIST OF PEOPLE YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PERVE ON BECAUSE THEY ARE SWEET AND WONDERFUL AND SAVED FOR ANOTHER FEMALE CHARACTER (CANONICALLY ON THE SHOW) AND BECAUSE THEY LIKE KITTENS AND I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE PERVERTS. LOOK I AM NOT KIDDING. LEAVE AL ALONE. If you watch the anime you will hear the CUTEST VOICE EVAR coming out of an ENORMOUS SUIT OF ARMOR and your heart will just FALL APART in an EFFORT TO KEEP HIM HAPPY AND PURE AND WONDERFUL AND STOCK WITH KITTENS.

Shut up about the characters already — show me more manporn of what we know now to be the CHO-MO SHAG CARPETED RAPE VAN VARIETY.

Fine! God! Fine! As expected, Roy/Ed is the predominant pairing in this fandom (although there is a healthy dose of het pairings and Ed/Al (HEATHENS!!!!!!) is popular as well) — why you ask? Because Roy picks on Ed about his height and is, when Ed is not watching, ridiculously protective of the Elric brothers — because Roy and Ed fight well together, and fight well against one another. Oh, and also, because Ed spazzes out in the most ridiculously I TOTALLY DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU SHUT UP I AM NOT PLAYING KICKBALL WITH YOU AT RECESS!! way every time Roy opens his mouth. Ever. It’s amazing. If you want to go straight to the hilarity and gay, go straight to episode 13 of the series, which makes me crap myself laughing every single time.

Right, okay, now, Japanese fanartist smut! I only wish I knew who were the artists here, I’d love to give them credit, but I’m pulling them from image forums:

AND OH YEAH: THAT LAST ONE IS NOT FANART. IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER THAT THE TAG ON THE PRESENT SAYS “WINRY.” WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ANIMATORS? WHAT?