East Coast Gazette

I got introduced to House about midway through its second season and fell hard. I loved the main character, I loved the side characters, I loved the premise — but I’ll be honest, the last few arcs have tried me. Tried me hard. I used a lot of unflattering names for Officer Touches Inappropriately Young Boys. In my head, I checked Wilson into gay battered doctor spas. And then, just when I thought it would get better — we had the Episode Of Which We Shall Never Speak Because I As A Rule Love David Shore And He Wrote “Three Stories” The Best Hour Of Television Ever Created And I Will Endeavor To Forget He Ever Burdened The Universe With Such Perverse Evil As That Episode.

Meanwhile, episode:

(1) Spit take count:

• House + Village People = hilarious
• Wilson + knowing way too much about the Village People = even more hilarious
• House sitting in his bathtub (wearing oh my gosh super hot glasses!)
• “Nice ass, no boobs, and you have palms like a longshoreman,” and House for the win!
• Making fun of Chase, always hilarious:

FOREMAN: “House would do Wilson before you’d do Chase.”
CAMERON: “You would do House and Wilson before I’d do Chase.”
CHASE: “She did me once!”
FOREMAN: “She was stoned!”

• “JOHN. WE’RE GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU. BUT I HAVE TO ANSWER THIS FIRST: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN ANY PORNOS?” AND HOUSE FOR YET ANOTHER INSANELY WRONG AND HORRIBLE WIN THAT WILL HAVE HIM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR YEARS.
• House walking in on Cameron and Chase — so good, so so good.

(2) I love the ducklings so much I cannot breathe. I have run of ways to express how much I love the ducklings, really. It’s almost kind of amazing. Wait, hold up, House is talking about his penis, I’ll be right back. Their interaction gets better all the time, and adding in the new spice of Cameron and Chase and the hilarious Cameron Hideously Using Chase aspect. There’s something increasingly incestuous about them, and I love how the actors have chosen to play their characters closer and closer together — and honestly, I kind of like this side of Cameron better, even though I will freely side with Chase when I say that I think that she’s definitely trying to get caught. I’M SORRY CAMERON — HOUSE WILL NEVER LOVE YOU. PLEASE GET THIS THROUGH YOUR GORGEOUS HEAD. Chase needs a new girlfriend. Possibly me. Anyway, House waking up Chase and Foreman was adorable, mostly because I love the “totally dysfunctional family” aspect of their relationship.

(2) Okay, guys? I haven’t like, wanted to have man-touching with Robert Sean Leonard since before he managed to kill himself tragically in The Dead Poets Society but the scene when Wilson was like, okay, bitch, it’s over now, was really kind of hot. Like, a lot hot. Like magic hot. In conclusion, Wilson could order me around any day. In fact, I hope Wilson does order me around all day. Mm.

(3) House flipping out at Cameron = awesome. “Shut up! And go do you’re told! Cuddy and Wilson don’t have to listen to me but you do!” I also love that Chase is calling her on it, because to me, it seems pretty transparent that she’s using him — either that, or it’s some kind of complex emotional arc. But if it is that Cameron is using him, Chase deserves better.

(4) Guys I really love the patient of the week! Really! Very interesting premise, with the Iraq veteran and the question of Gulf War Syndrome/Iraq Fever. I’m also pretty fond of the guy who’s playing our Patient of the Week, there’s something endearing about him. I kind of want to go on a date with him.

(5) If House and Wilson get any more married I’m going to have to report this show to Jesus. I’m not kidding. When is Wilson going to make House an honest — sdlkfjsdlfkjsdlfdkj OMG WAIT A SECOND HOUSE IS ABOUT TO CATHETER HIMSELF JESUS OH MY GOD NEVER LET IT BE SAID THAT THIS SHOW ISN’T HARDCORE AS SHIT. This is going to end up with Wilson coming over and having to get House’s bag of pee off the floor. I can feel it. To House who cannot sleep: You know what would help? If you got Wilson to come over and bang you. Just a thought. OH JESUS AND CHASE JUST FELL IN — and House is hallucinating or…peeing all over himself. I really don’t like this progression — where I start talking about Wilson and House being wife and wife and ending in urine. :(

(6) House is a 6-year-old boy. He’s so jealous about Cuddy. Hilarious. Oh my GOD. “Get over me.” OH MY GOD. MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED — THEY DID GO OUT ONCE UPON A TIME.

Okay, in conclusion? I DID love this episode. Funny, smart, weird, very House. I never once wanted to beat anybody to death or slap to death a character — awesome! Guys, I think House MD is back.