When Helion woke up, it was to the abrasive lights of an infirmary, one he recognized from many other stays--though those were primarily for somewhat embarrassing social diseases. He blinked slowly and as parts of his body started to register, he realized everything hurt: top of his head to his toes.

"It's about time."

Helion blinked, once, twice, and then turned to his side, following Noreen's voice.

She was perfectly poised, as usual, blond hair stylishly fanned around her lush face, and her expression was elegant as she sat by his bedside, a handheld in her lap, fingers flying over crystalline keys solving the mysteries of the very universe_

"Rodney what--that's a word processor."

"No, it's not," Rodney lied. "I'm coding."

John narrowed his eyes. "In what?"

"…C++," Rodney said, rapidly hitting CTRL+S and trying to shut the lid of his laptop. The only thing possibly more embarrassing than writing fanfiction for a show that hadn't excited in thousands of years was writing fanfiction for a show that hadn't existed for thousands of years and laying over his own personality on the main character and imagining Helion as a slightly more technological version of John--who probably didn't even know what C++ was.

John stared at him intensely for a long time before his eyes flicked up, over Rodney's head, in terrible alarm, and Rodney instinctively ducked down--

Which gave John just enough time to jerk the laptop away and pull it open to read out loud:

"Even in the murky waters of his dreams he thought of Lai--oh my God, Rodney."

"Give that back!" Rodney snapped, and reached for it even as John turned away, continuing:

"Her smooth, too-honest face, her imperfect mouth, how she'd burrowed into his heart and taught him more about theoretical harmonics than he'd ever imagined any one person could--oh God, why don't you just masturbate on the keyboard, Rodney?"

Rodney finally pulled the laptop away, scowling and barely resisting the urge to beat John about his unbearably attractive head with it--but reconsidered because (a) most of Atlantis' schematics and system designs (even the ad hoc ones) were loaded somewhere onto his harddrive (b) because there was valuable pornography hidden away in one of the subdrives that didn't deserve such cruel waste and (c) there were at least thirty-six people on the Atlantis OLtAT newsgroup waiting for this next chapter and Rodney loved nothing more than holding it over their heads like a tiny god.

"It's none of your business," Rodney hissed.

"It's a show! It's not even around anymore!" John argued. "It hasn't been around for like, a million years! Plus--who the hell says 'burrowed into his heart' anyway?" John demanded. "Major Helion is way too manly for that."

Rodney rolled his eyes, clutching the laptop to his chest. "I am not getting into a characterization war with you, Colonel Sheppard," he said, and started to walk away.

"It's defamation!" John called after him. "It's wrong!"

Rodney cursed himself all the way back to his bedroom, where he finished up the section and posted it hatefully:

Title: Love At Second Sight (pt 35/?)
Rating: If you're not old enough to be reading this why are you on this mission?
Summary: Given a second chance at life (and love!) Major Argent Helion finally stops taking a few things for granted.

The third piece of feedback he got was this:

To: rodney.mckay
From: john.sheppard
Re: love @ second sight

seriously, would more sex help?